NOTIFICATION: These jokes are meant to offend people. Do not read these if you get offended easily. Seriously, do not read these if you are easily offended.

A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating." The man asks, "Why?" The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

My two lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday. They misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."

What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt? Bolt can finish a race.

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? It wasn't born yesterday.

What's the difference between boy scouts and jews? Boy scouts come back from camps.

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Gestapo.

Knock Knock. Just Kidding, Forced Entry.

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She saw another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

How do you make a fireman cry? Kill his family.

Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they.

What's black and sits at the top of a flight of stairs? A quadriplegic after a house fire.

You know, the hardest thing about breaking up with my Japanese girlfriend by text was her calling the next day... I guess I just had to drop the bomb twice for her to get the message.

A gorilla walks into a bar and order a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and then becomes aware he is dreaming. He wakes up from his dream and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. His wife just ignores him, the man rolls over and begins to sob because he realizes his marriage is in shambles.

What's the difference between Johnny Walker and John Wayne? Johnny Walker is still killing Indians.

Why did princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

What do princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last hit was the wall.

A black women has 5 children who all look alike. She names each of them Tyrone. How does she tell them apart? Their last names.

How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Doesn't matter, they'll be too busy beating the room for being black.

A clown and a little boy are walking in the woods. "Gee mister, these woods are sure scary!" Says the boy. "You're telling me," Says the clown, "I have to walk back alone."

When is a pentagon not a pentagon? When its intersected by a separate plane

A man is walking through the woods when he comes across a young girl crying on a bench. "What's wrong?" he asks the girl. "My puppy rain into the lake and he couldn't get out, so my dad went in to get him and they both drowned." The man pauses and unzips his fly. "Well I guess today just isn't your day."

A Jew, black man, and Arab walk into a bar. The bartender points to the door and says, "Get the fuck out."

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

You're not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.

I didn't believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there.

I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

Why are deer nuts better than beer nuts? Beer nuts cost $1.50 but deer nuts are under a buck.

Jenny

Why did little Jenny fall of the swing? She doesn't have any arms.

Knock Knock. Who's there? Not little Jenny.

What did little jenny get for Christmas? Mittens.

Where did Jenny go during a bombardment? Everywhere.

Cliff

A woman is standing on a bridge above a cliff and is contemplating suicide. As she is about to jump, a man yells out and stops her.

They talk briefly, where the man tries to persuade her not to jump. Unfortunately, she confirms this is the fate she wants. At which point the man asks "Well, since you're so inclined, would you like to have sex with me before you commit suicide?". She declined the man's request. So he simply replies "ok then" and runs off.

Quite confused, the woman stops the man and asks him where he's running off to. To which he replies "I need to hurry down this bridge, otherwise you'll be cold already."

Dave

So, there's this man named Dave and he's been a really successful doctor. However, lately he's been facing a little dilemma of wanting to have sex with his patients.

One voice in his head says, "Oh come on Dave, there's probably been plenty of doctors who have done this before, it won't be any different if you do it too".

The other voice in his head says, "But Dave, you're a veterinarian".

The Nun

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her.

Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could persuade her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!"

The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grungy, loud sex.

After it is over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

Baby

What's red and silver and crawls into walls? A baby with forks in its eyes.

How do you stop a baby crawling around? You nail his hand to the floor.

How do you stop a baby crawling in circles? You nail also the other hand to the floor.

How do you get a baby into a jar? Blender.

How do you get a baby out of a jar? Tortilla chips.

Dragon Born

A pregnant woman is in labor for many hours at the hospital. Finally the baby is delivered, and the exhausted woman holds out her arms. "Give me my baby," she says. "I want to hold my baby."

"Just a moment, ma'am," the doctor says. "I'm sure you know there's a routine procedure we follow for newborns." He turns the child over and slaps it on its butt.

"OK," says the woman. "Now give me my baby."

"Just a moment, ma'am, just a moment," says the doctor. Then he turns the baby over again, and punches it square in the face.

The woman gasps. "Ok, ok!" she says. "Now give me my baby!"

"Ma'am," the doctor says reassuringly. "Trust me. I'm a professional. Just one more moment, please." With this, he takes the baby by the ankles, raises it above his head, and slams it against a steel operating table, over and over again.

"Oh my God!" the woman screams. "You killed my baby!"

"Aw, I'm just fucking with you," the doctor laughs. "It was stillborn."