I'm not antisocial. I'm just no user-friendly.

I <11 binary!

A DotA player and a LoL player walk into a bar. The DotA player says: 'lol sucks'. The lol player couldn't deny.

Why is Riki's mom so sad? She lost him when he was 6.

Phantom Lancer walks into a bar. There was no counter.

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

Wanted: Schrodinger's cat - dead and alive.

So Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.

A programmer walks into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says I'll give you a drink if you tell me a programmer joke. And he says: a programmer walks into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says I'll give you a drink if you tell me a programmer joke. And he says: a programmer walks into a bar and ask for a drink. So he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink.

Three programmers just finished a restaurant dinner, and the waitress comes up and asks "do you all want dessert?" The first programmer says "I don't know." The second also says "I don't know." The last says "yes".

Hot Air Balloon

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend. I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."

"You must be a programmer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a project manager"

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Programming

public function sanitize($string){
    return null;
    // wtf is this doing here. That's a hell of a sanitization.
}

Java, C++, and C go into a bar one night and pretty quickly start drinking heavily. C, being very old, quickly loses his composure. He and C++ start arguing with one another about, I don't know, Erlang or something, when C gets angry, jumps up on the bar, tears his shirt off and starts screaming. The bouncers see this, and he is kicked out. Java looks at the bartender and says, "I'm sorry, he's just kind of...classless."

C points at a row of drinks, but forgets to stop pointing, and ends up ordering the whole inventory.

When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

The element that explains the appeal of games to most developers is neither the fire-breathing dragons nor beautiful princesses; it is the experience of carrying out a task from start to finish without any change in the requirements.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.

How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Yes.

SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Very long pause. Java.

unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep,
mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.

Networking

The best thing about UDP jokes is that I don't care if you get them or not.

A TCP packet walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer." The bartender replies, "You want a beer?" The TCP packet replies, "Yes, I'd like a beer."

A UDP packet walks into a bar, the bartender says "Hello, what can I get you". The UDP packet doesn't acknowledge.

A broadcast packet walks into a bar, screams to the bartender, "HEY MAC! I WANT A BEER!" Everyone else in the bar hears him but chooses to ignore him.

An ARP packet walks into a bar and introduces himself

A RARP packet walks into the bar and knows your name, but needs to know your address.

An SYN packet walks into a bar. The bartender acknowledges and goes back to his beer.

A NORM packet walks into a bar and shouts at all the bartenders "I'd like a beer." Two bartenders standing at the far end of the bar reply "You wanted a what?" and "What about a beer?" The NORM packet replies "beer-like".

AN IPX packet walks into a bar, then is forgotten about in the mid 90's

A Multicast Packet walks into a bar and says "A Beer for everyone!" some people accept his offer while others ignore it.

A DNS Request packet walks into a bar and asks for a name.

An AppleTalk packet walks into a bar and orders a beer in Russian.

IPv4 walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll it be?" IPv4 responds, "a strong CIDR, please... I'm exhausted."

A VoIP goes to a bar and asks for a beer. He gets a SIP.

A database query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables and says "can I join you?"

A digital marketer walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, taproom, public house.

Why do Java developers wear glasses? They can't C#.